With optimism around the corner

I write today with every intention of one day being thin. Not the kind if thin that means underweight, but the kind of thin that in my head translates to beautiful, confident, comfortable and reflects my self worth. There is a part of me that truly believes I deserve to be as happy as I pretend to be. Being completely introspective, I find myself to be a level of insecurity that if translated to money would make Oprah's bank account look like that of a video rental store. I have accepted this. I have come to terms that I on a daily basis hate myself for being exactly what I am realistically. Fantastically on the other hand, I have dreams of being a completely loathsome individual who is not only confident that it makes others crumble, but beautiful in a way that is beyond words and can only be measured by drool. The problem is that I have become somewhere in the middle of these two vast differences. 

The outer version of myself is sarcastic, quick to retort and possibly insult and funny to a point where the feelings of others is often forgotten or at least put aside for comedic purposes. Under the exterior that is a complete facade of someone I wish I was, is a sad and hopeless individual who constantly feels completely lost and identifies with a failure. I would not be friends with this person, simply because I am too sensitive to handle my own insensitivity.