With optimism around the corner

I write today with every intention of one day being thin. Not the kind if thin that means underweight, but the kind of thin that in my head translates to beautiful, confident, comfortable and reflects my self worth. There is a part of me that truly believes I deserve to be as happy as I pretend to be. Being completely introspective, I find myself to be a level of insecurity that if translated to money would make Oprah's bank account look like that of a video rental store. I have accepted this. I have come to terms that I on a daily basis hate myself for being exactly what I am realistically. Fantastically on the other hand, I have dreams of being a completely loathsome individual who is not only confident that it makes others crumble, but beautiful in a way that is beyond words and can only be measured by drool. The problem is that I have become somewhere in the middle of these two vast differences. 

The outer version of myself is sarcastic, quick to retort and possibly insult and funny to a point where the feelings of others is often forgotten or at least put aside for comedic purposes. Under the exterior that is a complete facade of someone I wish I was, is a sad and hopeless individual who constantly feels completely lost and identifies with a failure. I would not be friends with this person, simply because I am too sensitive to handle my own insensitivity. 

The Shame of Fat brings lonliness

I have made yet another step towards progress. I joined a gym today. I am mentally ready I just can’t physically do it. I got caught up today with my boyfriend and it just never happened. To be fair I didn’t have any of my gym clothes or anything and I had every intention of going in the morning. I just fear it isn’t going to happen considering that it is already 1244 and I am still up writing this blog. I could set the alarm for five, have every intention of going and just not go. That is usual. Right now though, in this moment, it is not the gym I am having problems with.

I am starting to feel as if my relationship is a shield to hide behind so I don’t have to try anymore. It was a shield to be fat again. My boyfriend…he is ten years older than me and going back to school. He is 6’2 280 lbs with nice legs and a big gut. He is Robin Williams status hairy, and he has not once encouraged me when dieting or worrying about my weight.

I know it isn’t his responsibility, but I feel as though if someone loves me, they will help me through my journey, and I feel as if he is hindering me.

I do this thing when I am scared and avoiding something where I just ignore it and stew about it constantly probably giving myself and ulcer. I have done it a lot today.

Today I saw my mom find happiness, two marriages later. I really like her new boyfriend, and I kind of hate that I do. She is happier than I have ever seen her and it makes me hopeful.

When I think of all the things that make up my dream man, most of them aren’t qualities with my current man.

Maybe I should really make a list of all the things my prince charming would be..

Nurturer: I want to have someone who comes to my rescue, not because I am not a strong woman, but because for those few times where I can’t be strong anymore, and I have lost all hope, and I am at my worst, I still want to be loved and have someone strong for me. I am a very scattered person and have found comfort in people who make sense of the tornado I can be when I get overwhelmed. I have always needed some balance for my chaos. I had a friend once, and I say friend because I was never with him in the way I would have hoped, but he would put me first in ways no one ever has before. I would stay over and he would change the sheets, bring me fresh towels, made sure I was perfect before he slept on the floor with a sheet. I never had to ask, it was always done. We would go out to a public place, and his eyes always stayed on me, and I always felt safe.

Spontaneous: I don’t have a cute story about this, I just know I don’t have it. I want to come home to roses for no reason. I want to look at my phone and have a message that has a list of three things he loves about me. Spontaneity doesn’t have to cost money, it has to be some sort of action that says, “I thought this might make you happy, so I tried it”.

Physical: I have had my share of amazing lays as well as with my current. There is nothing like being wanted. There is no drug that has ever even come close to as happy as I get when I feel as though I am attractive to someone else. Now this may be due to my deep seeded emotional issues that came with being 417 pounds, and frankly, so be it. So what if it is something I feel I NEED? I do. I need to feel as though my significant other is attracted to me. I need to feel as though I deserve the love I get. I am aware that some of these things come with. Lots of kisses and big bear hugs.

The best sex I ever had was one of those times where I wasn’t expecting it. The best sex I ever had was with this skinny little nothing of a boy, who turned my entire world upside down. Every moment of being with him, was the opposite of everything I ever had. He was the most insecure and artistic human being I have ever met. I once compared him to a butterfly that I felt too guilty to keep in a jar. The beauty of people this amazing was that they need to share their gift with the world, if I kept him, he would die…not literally but in the artistic free way I admired him for.

Support: My dad was always cynical, still is. Everything has a hole and I am always choosing the worst way to do things. I want someone proud of me and everything I have done, and not have a doubt that I will be someone. The way I feel now, is stuck. I feel as though I am lost among his life, and mine is an afterthought. When I was single and lonely, I was never THIS lonely.

Humor: Dear god be funny, pee my pants funny.

Intelligence & Sensitivity: Never has to be genius smart, but can make me think and have an engaging conversation. I want an intellectual who can appreciate artsy things as well as delicious food and appreciate a beautiful sunset.

Be a Man: (okay Mulan time out…) I want someone who can stand up for me when it needs to happen, and it shouldn’t very often, but I want a prince charming.

Okay so I know now that these things aren’t exactly the easiest things to manage, but the worst is that I feel like I don’t deserve them.

I blame most of my misfortunes on being fat, then I hate myself.

This is the dark place I remember. 

Tomorrow starts today

Lately I have had zero motivation. My lowest weight was 160 and I am at a shameful 225.

That is the key emotion, shame.

Shame was something I felt while I was big, something very familiar. I haven't worked out in months and have no reason or explanation. The worst is that there is this snowball collection of guilt and shame that has built up into a depression.

I feel like a failure about something I was once so proud of which is worse than something I have never been proud of. Knowing that I was once successful and a role model even and have sank into old binging habits and become a poster for "what NOT to become".

Nike has a simple empowerment slogan to "just do it" yet that is simply my functional deficit. I have no excuse. Everything about losing weight makes me happy. Why can't I get up and out and do something? Why haven't I?!?

I have made many steps towards joining a gym, towards exercising but haven't done the act yet. It's almost been an obsession. I must change. I have to.

Road to Acceptance

I feel like my life is in absolute shambles. I have never felt like I am sinking like this. I am sure that I have been stressed before, but all of a sudden these decisions are affecting not just the moment, but my future.

The hardest thing for me is to prioritize, and when I fall behind I am very hard on myself. I have been told before that I have very high expectations, and because I am very good at introspecting, I can honestly say I do. Though what most people don’t realize is that the expectations I have for others is nothing compared to the ones I set for myself.

I am at a point where if it were just one thing I was dealing with it would be fine, though life doesn’t always cut us the slack we deserve.

1.) So yesterday I got into a car accident when an older Middle Eastern man ran a red light, my car is totaled. These problems are fixed by insurance of course, but now I have concussion symptoms. I am dizzy and nauseous.

2.) Tomorrow (2/3/12) I am supposed to have surgery to fix the hernia I have gotten from my lapband. Surgery itself is stressful, not to mention I got the day off months ago to go see Anthony from Bayside (my favorite band) do an acoustic set in phoenix. So if I go or not is still up in the air, but I am guessing not at this rate, though now there are insurance problems because the insurance hasn’t approved the surgery yet. So if I end up having to have it postponed I have to explain to my 3 jobs that I need more time off.

3.) I am taking 21 units in order to graduate on time, so on top of my 3 jobs I am in this mess of class work and homework that I am having a hard time getting on top of with the lack of time/ability to focus.

4.) With the surgery that I am going to have, my lapband has been unfilled for over 3 weeks. When I went into the doctor to have everything checked out, I weighed 161 pounds. Now with my lapband unfilled I stand at 175. I k now 15 pounds to a normal person isn’t that much, but to someone who hasn’t gained weight in 3 ½ years it is a nightmare.

5.) Now the doctor addressed my bulimia and called it, “maladaptive eating,” which is a common issue for people with lapbands, though it does not change that I have the brain of a person with an eating disorder. I changed one eating disorder for another, and having the freedom to eat anything has really opened my eyes to the actual issues I really have.

6.)Applying for grad school which I seem to be a year behind at, is not over overwhelming trying to schedule time to study for the GRE and an actual date for the test, but the worst part is the shame. Here I am trying to get my degree in psychology, though I, myself am struggling from issues I am supposed to be helping people with. #hypocritical

7.) Shame and guilt in weight gain seems to be overwhelming. I am trying by going to the gym but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to eat everything in sight. The guilt and shame depresses me and gives me anxiety, and eating suppresses my anxiety. This vicious cycle is tearing me apart.

(giant sigh of relief)

At least all of my truths are out there in the world. This is the first step right? This road to acceptance isn't downhill. 

Outgrowth

Ironic is the title of my first blog, because my blog was made to document release emotionally about my successes and struggles of my weight loss, though outgrowth is an important aspect of introspection.

outgrowth noun

1. a thing growing out of a main body

2. a development, result, or consequence

When I think of outgrowing, I think of course of getting bigger physically. My mind mostly wanders to gaining weight and needed to buy the next size pants or shirts. I also have to remember the second definition which more pertains to what I am speaking of, and that is the development of ourselves. A friend of mine once told me during the beginning of my weight loss journey, in a motherly fashion, that I would outgrow friends. I am sure this conversation came about with some arbitrary episode of adolescent stupidity between female friendships, though it was a very important statement which would carry through my personal beliefs to this day.

I was not expecting the outgrowth to be so impacting on my future and my beliefs. Not only do I feel constantly that I have outgrown friends of mine, as well as I am approaching the outgrowth of my job, but more importantly my life. Specifically I am talking about my life in Tucson. I have an established life here that I am approaching the end of the chapter. The exciting part, is that it means that along with the end of the chapter, begins the excitement of a new one.