With optimism around the corner

I write today with every intention of one day being thin. Not the kind if thin that means underweight, but the kind of thin that in my head translates to beautiful, confident, comfortable and reflects my self worth. There is a part of me that truly believes I deserve to be as happy as I pretend to be. Being completely introspective, I find myself to be a level of insecurity that if translated to money would make Oprah's bank account look like that of a video rental store. I have accepted this. I have come to terms that I on a daily basis hate myself for being exactly what I am realistically. Fantastically on the other hand, I have dreams of being a completely loathsome individual who is not only confident that it makes others crumble, but beautiful in a way that is beyond words and can only be measured by drool. The problem is that I have become somewhere in the middle of these two vast differences. 

The outer version of myself is sarcastic, quick to retort and possibly insult and funny to a point where the feelings of others is often forgotten or at least put aside for comedic purposes. Under the exterior that is a complete facade of someone I wish I was, is a sad and hopeless individual who constantly feels completely lost and identifies with a failure. I would not be friends with this person, simply because I am too sensitive to handle my own insensitivity. 

The Shame of Fat brings lonliness

I have made yet another step towards progress. I joined a gym today. I am mentally ready I just can’t physically do it. I got caught up today with my boyfriend and it just never happened. To be fair I didn’t have any of my gym clothes or anything and I had every intention of going in the morning. I just fear it isn’t going to happen considering that it is already 1244 and I am still up writing this blog. I could set the alarm for five, have every intention of going and just not go. That is usual. Right now though, in this moment, it is not the gym I am having problems with.

I am starting to feel as if my relationship is a shield to hide behind so I don’t have to try anymore. It was a shield to be fat again. My boyfriend…he is ten years older than me and going back to school. He is 6’2 280 lbs with nice legs and a big gut. He is Robin Williams status hairy, and he has not once encouraged me when dieting or worrying about my weight.

I know it isn’t his responsibility, but I feel as though if someone loves me, they will help me through my journey, and I feel as if he is hindering me.

I do this thing when I am scared and avoiding something where I just ignore it and stew about it constantly probably giving myself and ulcer. I have done it a lot today.

Today I saw my mom find happiness, two marriages later. I really like her new boyfriend, and I kind of hate that I do. She is happier than I have ever seen her and it makes me hopeful.

When I think of all the things that make up my dream man, most of them aren’t qualities with my current man.

Maybe I should really make a list of all the things my prince charming would be..

Nurturer: I want to have someone who comes to my rescue, not because I am not a strong woman, but because for those few times where I can’t be strong anymore, and I have lost all hope, and I am at my worst, I still want to be loved and have someone strong for me. I am a very scattered person and have found comfort in people who make sense of the tornado I can be when I get overwhelmed. I have always needed some balance for my chaos. I had a friend once, and I say friend because I was never with him in the way I would have hoped, but he would put me first in ways no one ever has before. I would stay over and he would change the sheets, bring me fresh towels, made sure I was perfect before he slept on the floor with a sheet. I never had to ask, it was always done. We would go out to a public place, and his eyes always stayed on me, and I always felt safe.

Spontaneous: I don’t have a cute story about this, I just know I don’t have it. I want to come home to roses for no reason. I want to look at my phone and have a message that has a list of three things he loves about me. Spontaneity doesn’t have to cost money, it has to be some sort of action that says, “I thought this might make you happy, so I tried it”.

Physical: I have had my share of amazing lays as well as with my current. There is nothing like being wanted. There is no drug that has ever even come close to as happy as I get when I feel as though I am attractive to someone else. Now this may be due to my deep seeded emotional issues that came with being 417 pounds, and frankly, so be it. So what if it is something I feel I NEED? I do. I need to feel as though my significant other is attracted to me. I need to feel as though I deserve the love I get. I am aware that some of these things come with. Lots of kisses and big bear hugs.

The best sex I ever had was one of those times where I wasn’t expecting it. The best sex I ever had was with this skinny little nothing of a boy, who turned my entire world upside down. Every moment of being with him, was the opposite of everything I ever had. He was the most insecure and artistic human being I have ever met. I once compared him to a butterfly that I felt too guilty to keep in a jar. The beauty of people this amazing was that they need to share their gift with the world, if I kept him, he would die…not literally but in the artistic free way I admired him for.

Support: My dad was always cynical, still is. Everything has a hole and I am always choosing the worst way to do things. I want someone proud of me and everything I have done, and not have a doubt that I will be someone. The way I feel now, is stuck. I feel as though I am lost among his life, and mine is an afterthought. When I was single and lonely, I was never THIS lonely.

Humor: Dear god be funny, pee my pants funny.

Intelligence & Sensitivity: Never has to be genius smart, but can make me think and have an engaging conversation. I want an intellectual who can appreciate artsy things as well as delicious food and appreciate a beautiful sunset.

Be a Man: (okay Mulan time out…) I want someone who can stand up for me when it needs to happen, and it shouldn’t very often, but I want a prince charming.

Okay so I know now that these things aren’t exactly the easiest things to manage, but the worst is that I feel like I don’t deserve them.

I blame most of my misfortunes on being fat, then I hate myself.

This is the dark place I remember. 

Tomorrow starts today

Lately I have had zero motivation. My lowest weight was 160 and I am at a shameful 225.

That is the key emotion, shame.

Shame was something I felt while I was big, something very familiar. I haven't worked out in months and have no reason or explanation. The worst is that there is this snowball collection of guilt and shame that has built up into a depression.

I feel like a failure about something I was once so proud of which is worse than something I have never been proud of. Knowing that I was once successful and a role model even and have sank into old binging habits and become a poster for "what NOT to become".

Nike has a simple empowerment slogan to "just do it" yet that is simply my functional deficit. I have no excuse. Everything about losing weight makes me happy. Why can't I get up and out and do something? Why haven't I?!?

I have made many steps towards joining a gym, towards exercising but haven't done the act yet. It's almost been an obsession. I must change. I have to.