I feel like my life is in absolute shambles. I have never felt like I am sinking like this. I am sure that I have been stressed before, but all of a sudden these decisions are affecting not just the moment, but my future.
The hardest thing for me is to prioritize, and when I fall behind I am very hard on myself. I have been told before that I have very high expectations, and because I am very good at introspecting, I can honestly say I do. Though what most people don’t realize is that the expectations I have for others is nothing compared to the ones I set for myself.
I am at a point where if it were just one thing I was dealing with it would be fine, though life doesn’t always cut us the slack we deserve.
1.) So yesterday I got into a car accident when an older Middle Eastern man ran a red light, my car is totaled. These problems are fixed by insurance of course, but now I have concussion symptoms. I am dizzy and nauseous.
2.) Tomorrow (2/3/12) I am supposed to have surgery to fix the hernia I have gotten from my lapband. Surgery itself is stressful, not to mention I got the day off months ago to go see Anthony from Bayside (my favorite band) do an acoustic set in phoenix. So if I go or not is still up in the air, but I am guessing not at this rate, though now there are insurance problems because the insurance hasn’t approved the surgery yet. So if I end up having to have it postponed I have to explain to my 3 jobs that I need more time off.
3.) I am taking 21 units in order to graduate on time, so on top of my 3 jobs I am in this mess of class work and homework that I am having a hard time getting on top of with the lack of time/ability to focus.
4.) With the surgery that I am going to have, my lapband has been unfilled for over 3 weeks. When I went into the doctor to have everything checked out, I weighed 161 pounds. Now with my lapband unfilled I stand at 175. I k now 15 pounds to a normal person isn’t that much, but to someone who hasn’t gained weight in 3 ½ years it is a nightmare.
5.) Now the doctor addressed my bulimia and called it, “maladaptive eating,” which is a common issue for people with lapbands, though it does not change that I have the brain of a person with an eating disorder. I changed one eating disorder for another, and having the freedom to eat anything has really opened my eyes to the actual issues I really have.
6.)Applying for grad school which I seem to be a year behind at, is not over overwhelming trying to schedule time to study for the GRE and an actual date for the test, but the worst part is the shame. Here I am trying to get my degree in psychology, though I, myself am struggling from issues I am supposed to be helping people with. #hypocritical
7.) Shame and guilt in weight gain seems to be overwhelming. I am trying by going to the gym but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to eat everything in sight. The guilt and shame depresses me and gives me anxiety, and eating suppresses my anxiety. This vicious cycle is tearing me apart.
(giant sigh of relief)
At least all of my truths are out there in the world. This is the first step right? This road to acceptance isn't downhill.